The Footes originally thought they were a normal American family. Then came a blizzard of self-aggrandizing Christmas letters. Reading about the achievements of all of the wonderful children surrounding them, the Footes felt anything but normal. Their one bit of hope came from role models they found on television and movies—Clark Griswold and co., Homer and The Simpsons, Hank Hill and his family. With new-found confidence inspired by Hollywood, the Footes created their own newsletter. Thus was born Footenotes—the sorriest Christmas letter in the world.
Early on, Joe wondered whether the children could produce enough raw material for this ambitious endeavor. A plane ride from London to Colombo convinced him it was possible. The airline had separated the family into five different parts of the plane. Joe approached the airline agent in London, “In the spirit of full disclosure, I must tell you that these are not normal children. I cannot take responsibility for their behavior.” The whole time Joe was talking, the agent closely observed the three kids. A few minutes later, a page called Joe to the podium where he collected five boarding passes seated together in business class. Indeed, that these were not normal children would be an easy sell.
Footenotes limped along for more than twenty years, reflecting the sad tales of a very strange family. Often the content would be in doubt until mid-December when one of the kids would overachieve. For example, Jan’s provocative question, “Are all albinos from Albania?” came at the eleventh hour.
Finally, in 2010, just like Forest Gump, Footenotes stopped abruptly. No reason other than sloth. Plus, the talent had wandered off. Feeling a bit remorseful, the Footes have established a Footenotes archive in a vain attempt to preserve their sad cultural race to the bottom.
